Dear Amy: I have a wonderful
mother-in-law. She’s very supportive
and loving. I call her regularly
and visited for a week when my
husband was deployed.
We don’t live in the same state,
so when we visit her, we stay in
her house. My in-laws live out in
the country, so there are no hotels
nearby.
The problem is that on a scale
of 1 to 10 for being a hoarder, she’s
probably a seven. It’s very stressful
for me to be in such a cluttered environment,
stepping over boxes and
being squished into a guest room
piled with things.
During one of my visits I spent
the entire day cleaning while she
was out of the house. I just wanted
to show her that it’s possible to
keep her house tidy. Unfortunately,
it didn’t last, and there’s stuff everywhere
again.
I’m dreading our next visit. It
increases my blood pressure and
anxiety when I stay there. Should
I deal with the stress for just a
short period of time since she does
so much for us? Or should I risk
upsetting her and no longer being
welcome in their home? — Devoted
Daughter-in-law
Dear Devoted: Your mother-in-law
is unwilling or unable to radically
change the way she lives. Tolerance
is called for because you cannot
force her toward change.
Other than simply keeping your
visits short, the most obvious solution
is for you to find somewhere
nearby to stay, either with another
family member or at a B&B or the
nearest motel (even if it’s an hour
away). Sleeping at night in a relatively
uncluttered environment will
make your daytime visits easier.
Explain this by telling her, “I sleep
much better when we’re not underfoot.
I definitely want to spend time
with you, but this works better for
me. I hope that’s OK with you.”
Dear Amy: My boyfriend, his two
children and I moved in together
four years ago. At that time I agreed
to pay half the rent and one-third
of the utilities.
After a cut in pay and extra medical
bills, I have had difficulty paying
my share.
I talked with him and told him I
wanted to start paying 25 percent
of everything. After many arguments,
we agreed that I would pay
one-third of the rent and one-fourth
of the utilities. Since this
agreement (one week ago), he will
hardly speak to me and says I’m
living off of him! Am I in the wrong
or is our arrangement fair? — Paying
my Way
Dear Paying: On paper, your agreement
seems fair.
But relationships don’t happen
on paper, they happen in the living
room, the kitchen, the car and in
the bedroom.
Normally, a successful negotiation
will result in basic understanding
and satisfaction, even if one
(usually both) parties don’t get
exactly what they want.
Your partner should not have
agreed to this financial settlement
if he was then going to punish you
for it.
In healthy and loving relationships,
normally a “one for all and all
for one” attitude prevails. If your
relationship boils down to “you’re
living off of me,” then it might be
best to reconsider why you’re together
in the first place.
Send questions via email to Amy Dickinson
at askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask
Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan
Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
Ask Amy
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