With the explosion of questionable material surrounding college football, the following meeting could be taking place in various offices of coaches throughout the country.
"You assistant coaches move in closer and keep your voices down. We haven't swept the offices and locker rooms for bugs since the day before yesterday.
"We're implementing some new policy as of today.
"First of all, there will be no more talk of paying the players.
"Have you people lost your minds? Where do you think the money to pay the players would come from? It would come from our salaries, bonuses and assorted perks.
"Anybody who thinks he or she could make $600,000 per year as something other than a linebacker coach, please stand and express your viewpoint about more rights to the players.
"Nothing?
"That's more like it.
"We are currently working on a manner in which the less intelligent student athletes can supplement their incomes by selling their scholarships before they flunk out. Scholarships are like unused theater or airline seats. Use them or lose them.
Recruiting changes: "The biggest change to our program is that we will no longer recruit bums.
"It's the bums who make up stories about us and rat us out to their cellmates, who in turn call the press.
"As of noon today, we will no longer recruit the following:
"One, showboats who announce their school selections by pulling a logo hat out of a Louis Vuitton tote on national television. True, we might get three or four good games out of such a glory-hungry individual before he flunks out. But the bad press isn't worth it.
"Two, we will no longer recruit as student athletes young men who can't make a sentence either verbally or with spellcheck.
"Three, we will no longer recruit criminals. Unfortunately, statistics show that the recidivism rate among prospects who have been convicted and let off with community service is above 90 percent.
"And finally, some good news, people.
"As you know, marijuana is totally legal for adults in two states, Colorado and Washington.
"Needless to say, early reports indicate that the quality of the football recruiting classes in these two states is off the charts, it is that strong.
"So we will continue to recruit potheads.
"Now let's go out there and turn them in before they turn us in."
Original Print Headline: Football coaches are having their own huddles
Jay Cronley
To the kiddies, the State Fair means tons of fun, the animals, the rides, the sweets.
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