Some thought our impression of the Bob Stoops press conference was better than the real thing.
So here's another rendition.
"All right, let's get this started, which of you bozos has the first nonsensical question?"
"Coach, now that we have the read option as our basic offense, do you think that we can go all the way?"
"It's none of my business, but since this press conference is being filmed, maybe three or four of you so-called media people should take off your OU hats and shirts. Last question."
"But you haven't answered one question yet."
"Make it fast."
"With LSU having just torched the best defense in the league, TCU's, and with K-State having no recognizable offense, and with Iowa State having little of anything, do you think that this is the worst Big 12 ever?"
"That's simple for somebody with a big belly to say."
"Coach, since West Virginia barely beat something like an Ivy League school, and because Notre Dame lost its quarterback, and since Texas and Oklahoma State have no real identities, did your schedule just get a whole lot easier?"
"There's no such thing as easy."
"Are you concerned that the more quarterbacks run, the worse they throw?"
"That sounds like it came out of a fortune cookie. They don't play football in China. This press conference is over."
TONIGHT
Baltimore at Denver (-9): These two got old-school virtually overnight.
And exactly what has new-school, the running quarterback, ever won, besides good luck wishes from the surgeon?
Will the defending Super Bowl champ win half its games?
Denver by 8.
SATURDAY
West Virginia at OU (-19 1/2): West Virginia gets jet lag before playing conference road game.
Has Mike Stoops found his mojo after having lost it in the Arizona sand?
Why do running quarterbacks have such a difficult time throwing with success?
You try to throw a straight one after having your head knocked half off.
OU by 21.
OSU (-28) at Texas San Antonio: The home team is one year removed from playing Northwest Oklahoma State.
This appears to be Gundy's idea of the ideal nonconference football contest.
The Big 12 appears to be one of the worst major conferences in the country.
OSU at Texas, OU-Texas and OU at OSU are the only three major headliner games.
OSU by 31.
Colorado State at Tulsa (-13): Talk about a costly loss.
Each time TU loses, subtract 3,000 people from the next home game attendance figure.
Quarterbacks who can't move around much have to complete far more than half their passes.
TU by 16.
Florida (-3) at Miami: One of only four good college games this week.
Nice display of scheduling guts, makes you wonder why teams in close proximity around here are such chickens.
Florida by 2.
South Carolina at Georgia (-3): Breaking news: The nation is on a major homer alert because of the ESPN-SEC love-fest.
Sadly, the new sports challenge from Fox is firing blanks, as a bunch of people sit around on sofas trying to crack jokes.
The SEC is ESPN's baby, having signed a 20-year deal to televise just about anything that moves.
That's why an announcer is apt to seem heartbroken when a team like Oklahoma State forces a team like Mississippi State to punt.
In the space of a week, Georgia has gone from national title talk to let's get a new coach around here talk.
Clowney is still a one-hit wonder.
Georgia by 1.
Oregon (-24) at Virginia: Rare chance to see a western team before a bad bowl.
Oregon by 21.
Texas (-6) at BYU: The BYU quarterback was 13-of-40 versus Virginia, one completion coming on the last play of the game against the cheerleaders.
Mack's job officially goes on the line here.
Tex by 7.
Notre Dame at Michigan (-3): Irish luck turns from good to bad.
Michigan by 10.
Washington State at USC (-16 1/2): Suddenly the spread offense looks like a relic.
Leach's defense is a laughingstock.
USC by 14.
Louisiana-Lafayette at Kansas State (-12): Big 12 surges toward .500 preseason mark.
State by 13.
SUNDAY
Kansas City (-3 1/2) at Jacksonville: When, if ever, was the last time the Chiefs were favored on the road?
KC by 3.
Green Bay at San Francisco (-5): And just how many yards did the prototype SF read option quarterback run the option for in the Super Bowl?
Zero yards.
Good thing he can throw.
SF by 13.
Giants at Dallas (-3): Tony Turnover doesn't start breaking hearts and living up to his nickname until the pressure hits.
Dallas by 7.
MONDAY
Eagles at Washington (-3 1/2): Could resemble a college game, what with all the running and errant passing.
Medics at the ready.
Wash by 3.
Houston (-4) at San Diego: San Diego has been the disappointment of the century, letting that great insignia and those great colors go to waste.
Houston by 7.
Original Print Headline: Here goes another round of homers and softball questions
