I am considering starting a petition drive to get a new state law on the books. That law would be that no one over the age of 50 would be allowed to climb upon a ladder, with the exception being in case of an emergency, such as saving a baby trapped in a fire in a two-story house, but then only if the fire truck has a flat tire.
I know of at least three people, all over the age of 50, who have had dangerous falls from ladders. The latest was my Baptist minister cousin in Alabama who took his tumble while attempting to paint a downspout. Fortunately, he reported that he received only minor injuries – a bump on the head, a scraped hand and a twisted ankle. Those are minor by most medical standards, but when you are over 50 sprained ankles, scrapes and head bumps don't heal as quickly as they used to.
A few years ago, while peering out my kitchen window, I saw my across-the-street neighbor fall off his ladder while trying to clean his gutters. I went over and helped scrape him off the driveway and then his son and I took him to the emergency room where we spent three or four hours waiting for the doc to put his broken arm in a cast.
Now comes my childhood friend David who lives in Norman. He travels for his job a lot and frequently ends up in Tulsa. We play golf and he spends the night. Each time, as we are enjoying a Scotch on the patio, I complain about the Bradford pear tree in my yard. (Scotch makes me say some stupid things.) It took a beating during the ice storm but remains in the ground. It is the only pear tree within three square miles of my house (that's a non-scientific study) that has not either completely fallen over, been split or had large limbs fall during wind storms. I can't explain this, but I am certain that my luck will soon run out. My minister cousin believes in divine help, I believe in odds.
My pear tree sits between the privacy fence and the electrical lines. When it goes it will either take the fence, the lines or land on my roof. During the ice storm it knocked out my electricity and my cable (FOR EIGHT DAYS). It could fall to the west and miss everything, but that's not going to happen.
David says that as soon as the leaves fall from the tree this fall, he and I are going to cut down the pear tree. David lives on about five acres in Norman and has cut down several trees and has not been injured.
But, like my pear tree, his luck has to run out soon. If he really wants to help me around my house, I can list several other, non-ladder-climbing, tasks he can help me perform.
The statistics (at least the ones I have gathered, again non-scientifically) bear out my concern. Guys over 50 fall off ladders. Guys over 50 falling off ladders are more likely to be injured than guys under 50 falling off ladders.
I also think there should be a law that no fat guys of any age should be allowed to remove their shirts in public or even wear a tank top. But that's another subject.
Alas, I have procrastinated. The next election is Tuesday. I don't have time to get my ladder law on the ballot. Write-ins are not allowed in Oklahoma. And the leaves are starting to turn. And I don't like the odds.
