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Loosen up my panic buttons, babe
Published: 12/28/2007 4:29 PM
Last Modified: 12/28/2007 4:29 PM

It's not that I'm afraid of flying; I'm simply afraid of crashing.

This fear surfaced on my most recent hurl through the friendly skies, after the pilot announced we would probably experience turbulence during the nearly two-hour flight. No big deal, right?

Well, he elaborated on the potential scenario, saying "in 25 years, I've never heard" other pilots commenting on "severe" and "extreme" turbulence. I've never seen my knuckles blanch so fast in my whole life -- at least not since riding the Georgia Cyclone at Six Flags back in college.

Anyway, I came up with a few rules for panicking during that flight, wanted to share.

Rule No. 1: Don't elbow the person seated next to you, especially when he or she is sleeping, and blame it on turbulence, just so you'll have someone to talk to. I did this to keep my mind off the turbulence. Very selfish. (But it worked.)

Rule No. 2: Don't interrogate your recently awakened seat companion. It was none of my business whether he was there for business or pleasure. (Although I did want to ask him if he was hot in that fur coat.)

Rule No. 3: Don't reach over to touch the fur coat of a sleeping passenger to determine whether it's faux or fo-real.

Rule No. 4: DO calm yourself with a silent, in-your-head-only soundtrack. Mine during the turbulence included hymns like "Trust and Obey," as well as "Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls. I have no idea why.

Rule No. 5: DO notice the flight attendants' actions. If he or she is calm while things are bumpy, relax. If he or she makes the sign of the cross, however, start repenting.

Happy travels! ... xoxo


Reader Comments 2 Total
ellen (5 years ago)
Okaay, the part about touching the fur was FUNNY,FUNNY,FUNNY
Jason Ashley (5 years ago)
Thanky, E! You and Mistress Leah are in Tuesday's paper, by the way. Nothing like letting the public hold us accountable, huh? xoxo
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Living Wright

While other kids were watching "The Smurfs," Scene Writer Jason Ashley Wright was tuned in to "Style with Elsa Klensch." By fourth grade, he knew he wanted to write, and spent almost three years publishing a weekly teen-oriented magazine, Teen-Zine -- circulation: 2. After earning a degree in journalism from the University of Southern Mississippi, he became the medical reporter and teen board coordinator for the Hattiesburg (Miss.) American, a Gannett newspaper. Eight months later, with visions of Elsa dancing in his head, he applied for the fashion writer position at the Tulsa World, where he began working on Aug. 3, 1998. He is now a general assignment reporter for Scene.

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