Mariah Carey (left), Keith Urban, Nicki Minaj and Randy Jackson during the New York auditions of "American Idol" from Wednesday's premiere. The next episode will air 7 p.m. Thursday on Fox, channel 23, cable 5.
MICHAEL BECKER/Fox
"Together, we have created a phenomenon," host Ryan Seacrest's voice narrated the beginning of tonight's premiere of "American Idol."
Obviously, Ryan was talking about me and himself, as we, together, have personally -- in tandem, if you will -- created the juggernaut that is "American Idol."
Kidding. Confession: I am not an "Idol" fan, haven't watched the show since Carrie Underwood won. So please forgive my sarcasm. Because here I am, watching it for work -- and, frankly, not remotely excited to do so.
But that was before seeing the NYC audition show tonight, which wasn't the big Mariah-vs-Nicki battle they promoted on TV and online (thank God). It was actually cool to see some glimmers of talent -- and, my biggest surprise, to develop an appreciation for Nicki Minaj beyond my iTunes download of "Super Bass." The girl seems to have genuine heart -- a somewhat crazy-cray heart, but nonetheless sincere.
Like when James, the 15-year-old "rapper," bombed -- and, after the non-surprising NOs from the judges, she took a moment she didn't have to take with him and offered some consolation.
Still, she crazy. I mean, dubya-tee-eff with the faux British accent? I hear Britney was doing that right before she shaved her head. Just sayin'.
Anyway, Tenna -- Miss Former Camp Mariah -- impressed the judges, all four of whom said YES. I was distracted by Nicki's looks toward Mariah -- who, just FYI, is gonna be Mimi to me henceforward. It was either that or Miss Emancipation, which is quite difficult to type out every dang time.
Moving on, Christina's version of "Summertime" was probably my favorite moment, with Nicki declaring "O. M. G. ... You should feel so proud," and Keith Urban -- who should eventually win a special hardship Emmy for having to sit betwixt Nix and Mimi -- doling out, "I think you're a natural singer." Aww ...
Evan the amputee made me cry -- not outta pity, thank you, but genuine heartbreak that he didn't cut the muster singing, after having his budding dancing career dashed because of cancer. I just wanted to hug him.
"Maybe I touched someone out there," he said afterward. Yeah, Bud, you totally did.
Hated that Jessica went off key and blew her chance, but I loved how Nicki reminded her that "It'll NEVER be your only shot."
Shira, who has a No. 1 hit in Israel, failed to impress, but Frankie the subway singer wowed with a cool version of "Sweet Dreams."
But what the H-E-double hockey sticks is up with people like Mr. Red Plastic Pants Man getting up in front of those judges? I wanted to feel sorry for him but had to wonder if this is part of the "Idol" plan -- to find obvious freak shows for the sole purpose of being ridiculed for our entertainment.
Personally, my LEAST favorite thing about "Idol" is how some folks humiliate themselves. It makes me squirm. Twice tonight, I left the room (sorry, Albert). It just seems cruel.
Whatever, Sarah the Jersey farm girl was cute with her Carrie Underwood cover, followed by one of "Super Bass," and Gurpreet the "Turbanator" was a fun moment.
But what was the deal with the big "Idol" fan Brett and that weird dream sequence that ended with him being told NO? That was kinda cruel, too.
But the predictable sweet ending came courtesy of Ashlee, whose foster-friendly family was brought into the audition after she sang "Put Your Records On" so they could hear the judges send her onto Hollywood. That made me tear up.
I want more moments like that from "Idol" -- hopefully when the episode from Oklahoma City's auditions finally roll around. Next week, maybe? Until then, there's Chicago at 7 pm Thursday.
So what did y'all think? Who was your favorite?
Peace, love and Nicki ... XOXO
Here are videos of some of the best and worst "American Idol" auditions from Wednesday's two-night premiere.
