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Serial killers in my attic, basket of kittens in my wallet
Published: 1/13/2012 7:30 AM
Last Modified: 1/12/2012 6:26 PM


I wish my squirrels were as productive as this one. At least I could pimp 'em out like Twiggy, here, make 'em pay rent. STEPHEN PINGRY/Tulsa World


Proof that I love animals.

Love me some animals -- and I don't mean for eating. Not just, anyway.

Nothing can wring a tear from my dark-circled eye like that dang ASPCA commercial, with the puppies and kittens staring doe-eyed in slo-mo through cage bars, wondering why they're abandoned and when I'm coming to rescue them. Lawsy, I even chose to have the ASPCA emblazoned across my debit card (before I realized it would have a big-as-gay-Dallas wicker basket of freakin' kittens wearing pink and purple collars on it, but I have it, nonetheless).

But I'm about ready to kill me some squirrels. Apparently, I have some in my attic. Not that I've seen them; I've only heard them.

Even though I'm usually a deep sleeper, a thud woke me up in the wee hours of Thursday morning -- something above the ceiling. In the attic.

My first thought, of course, was, "There's someone in my attic!" I hadn't even watched a scary movie recently to rationalize that immediate thought, but I could picture what he looked like -- the Pearl District Grocery Cart Killer who almost killed me with his Warehouse Market grocery cart on Halloween night. I'm not sure how he got in, but he was up there, ready to push his cart through the ceiling and ... I don't know, cart me to death or something.

Anyway, after a minute or two of wide-eyed wondering in terror, I heard something more of a scurry -- something like a big, fat squirrel.

As far as I know, I've never had a squirrel infestation before; but I remember what the cat-sized ones in Maple Ridge sounded like when I lived in a garage apartment there. Seriously, they were the size of lynxes, and they'd wake me up weekend mornings racing across the roof of my house. It was the exact same sound -- only closer to my bed, which totally creeps me out.

My first thought was to burn the house down, but apparently insurance won't pay out with arson. Not if you're caught, anyway.

Someone else recommended shooting them. I don't own a gun (glue ones don't count, I assume), so I'd have to hire someone to do it. And, perhaps, blow a hole through my roof, which seems slightly counter-productive to squirrel-riddance.

Are there humane squirrel herders? Do you know one? Please alert me. In the mean time, I'm haunted by thoughts of squirrels gnawing on electrical wires with gleeful abandon.

Peace, love and purple-collared kittens ... XOXO

P.S.: Happy birthday, Dad! Please don't worry about the squirrels. Or the fact I put my debit card online.



Reader Comments 4 Total

BubblesBoudoir (last year)
The first house I bought had roof rats the size of small dogs living in the crawl space above the master bedroom. Every night for weeks those suckers would tippy-toe out of the forest, climb the utility pole in the back yard, do a Carl Wallenda across the power lines and drop onto my roof like Bruce Willis in Die Hard. Then they would begin an all night dance fest in my ceiling. I remember lying in bed at night with my feline companions listening to them run around on the ceiling, the cat's ears swiveling as their heads tracked the sound while they waited to see if the rats would finally chew a hole in the ceiling and fall down like candy from a pinata. It never happened. I would have had a blue kitten if it had.
One evening we were in the back yard and I looked up from the book I was reading to notice my cat was staring up at the power lines. The evening procession had begun. When I looked up into multiple sets of beady eyes my blood froze and it was game on!
The next day I purchased a box of the biggest rat traps I could find, a block of cheese, and got out my ladder. I set up the traps just below where Bruce and Arnold made their landing and waited. Every day I would climb the ladder to check the traps, nothing. Every night, rat party in my bedroom ceiling. Finally, I stumbled upon bacon as my bait, everyone likes bacon, right? I found out rats like it especially after it has been out in the hot sun for a few days and gotten nice and smelly. The afternoon I came home from work and climbed the ladder to check the traps and there was a not quite dead (did I say they were huge) roof rat in my trap I almost fell off the ladder backwards into the fence. Even the neighbors heard my shreiks of terror as I came down head over teakettle.
But I got the stinkin' little sleep-depriving sucker! And his buddy Arnold too... or was it Angelina?
I was finally able to sit back and enjoy a glass of wine on the patio as I read my book in the evening and not worry about the nightly rat invasion. It went really well with all that left over cheese.
220668 (last year)
There are all sorts of critter trapers listed in the yellow pages - had seven squirrel extracated from my attic once at the cost of $900 - more expenses per pound than top quality filet.
wally1 (last year)
You can catch them yourself using a live trap: Hava-Heart 1040. For more info go to the unexco squirrel board on the internet. It has a lot of info.
39993 (last year)
Try The Skunk Whisperer, 261-4444. They did a lot of work in our midtown neighborhood last year. I don't know how pleased people were, but they have a great name!
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Living Wright

While other kids were watching "The Smurfs," Scene Writer Jason Ashley Wright was tuned in to "Style with Elsa Klensch." By fourth grade, he knew he wanted to write, and spent almost three years publishing a weekly teen-oriented magazine, Teen-Zine -- circulation: 2. After earning a degree in journalism from the University of Southern Mississippi, he became the medical reporter and teen board coordinator for the Hattiesburg (Miss.) American, a Gannett newspaper. Eight months later, with visions of Elsa dancing in his head, he applied for the fashion writer position at the Tulsa World, where he began working on Aug. 3, 1998. He is now a general assignment reporter for Scene.

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