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WARNING, PARENTS! This is about Santa, Transformers and Trixie Delicious
Published: 12/15/2011 8:00 AM
Last Modified: 12/14/2011 4:52 PM


My favorite Transformer was Soundwave, mostly because he had the coolest voice. Kinda like the Barry White of robots. Sorta.


Trixie Delicious. (Casey Rodgers / AP Images for InStyle)

Sorry, Michael Bay, but your version of Transformers never lived up to my childhood expectations.

Each flick was a fun ride, don't get me wrong -- except maybe that awful second one during which I was the OLDEST person in a teen-packed theater, when there was a collective "Uhhh ..." every time Trixie Delicious or whatever her name is came on the screen, straddling a motorcycle or bouncing out of harm's way. But even with all the multi-million-dollar bells and whistles, Bay's blockbuster franchise lacked the magic of the cartoons I watched after school in fifth grade.

I rank the classic Transformers as my favorite childhood toy, and I made sure I asked Santa for a load of 'em in 1985. That was, by the way, the last year I believed in You Know Who. No, not Lord Voldemort, Harry Potter's nemesis. I still believe in him. Dodgy bugger.

Surely, you're not letting your kid read this blog. But if you are, I'd like to speak directly to your child: Santa is real, just like butter and taxes. If you don't believe in him, he'll stop giving you presents, which sucks. Now, go play outside.

Anyway, in '85, I was really hankering for the Transformers that combined to make one big Transformer. Bless Santa's heart, he left Menasor (a Decepticon hodge-podge of "Stunticon" stunt cars), along with Thrust (a Decepticon plane), Astrotrain (a Decepticon triple-changer) and Sideswipe (a Lamborghini Autobot), who frequently waged battles with one another, laying waste to cities I built from blocks, Tinker Toys and these weird Lego-like, glow-in-the-dark Smurf blocks. My cities were usually helpless, as none of the inhabitants possessed limbs. Half the city was Fisher Price people, the other half was Weeble. The Weebles were usually the only ones to survive for obvious reasons.

Anyway, now that I'm grown up(ish) and Christmas shopping for my nephew, T, I've been reminiscing about my play time with Transformers. Just a couple nights ago, I saw an episode of "Pawn Stars," with that guy who had at least one or two of every classic Transformer in a tidy back room, and he wanted, like, $20,000 for the whole shebang.

I played too rough and too frequently with my Transformers for them to be worth anything to anyone but me. Besides, I couldn't sell them. For starters, they're in Mississippi at my parents' house, where T plays with them occasionally. Plus, T might kill me. And, seriously, they are in ROUGH shape, with wings missing, guns broken, sad stuff like that.

But they still bring back some really, really happy memories, especially this time of year -- whether I believe in Lord Voldemort or not.

Peace, love and Weebles ... XOXO


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Living Wright

While other kids were watching "The Smurfs," Scene Writer Jason Ashley Wright was tuned in to "Style with Elsa Klensch." By fourth grade, he knew he wanted to write, and spent almost three years publishing a weekly teen-oriented magazine, Teen-Zine -- circulation: 2. After earning a degree in journalism from the University of Southern Mississippi, he became the medical reporter and teen board coordinator for the Hattiesburg (Miss.) American, a Gannett newspaper. Eight months later, with visions of Elsa dancing in his head, he applied for the fashion writer position at the Tulsa World, where he began working on Aug. 3, 1998. He is now a general assignment reporter for Scene.

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