This is my downfall, apparently. My hot, savory, chip-delivered downfall ...
"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
That's what my dad told me this morning during the course of a conversation that began with me wishing him happy birthday, then led to a chat about a busted water pipe and, eventually, sick loved ones.
It's a phrase (Who said that, anyway? Could've sworn it was someone on "Steel Magnolias." Anyway, "It's a phrase ...") that's been reverberating in my noggin all day in light of my goals for 2010 -- to stop smoking (took my first cessation class last night, more on that later), as well as lose weight, tone my body, forever-change my eating habits, start writing my novel, blah, blah, blah, the list goes on. And it's a list I've been working on, albeit a smidgen slapdashy, since Jan. 4.
Which brings me back to that quote of things that kill us, as I could've sworn I was gonna have a heart attack Monday night and Tuesday. Based on personal history, though, I'm 99.87 percent sure it's anxiety. Going to the doc Thursday morning, though, so cross your fingers, hearts and legs.
OK, I've been rambling to delay the inevitable truth I feel compelled, perhaps by Satan, to share here. This is a food diary, in essence -- an online confession of how well and, unfortunately, how poorly I've been eating. So here goes:
Monday: Ate a healthy, substantial breakfast, followed by a morning snack of fruit, then turkey sandwich and steamed veggies for lunch, with a grilled chicken breast for dinner -- then, at midnight, started panicking and had half a bag of tortilla chips and a microwaved bowl of cheese dip. And TONS of water. Like that helped anything.
Tuesday: Skipped breakfast because I couldn't get out of bed, but eventually had a grilled salmon salad for late lunch -- followed at 9 p.m. by three cheese cubes and five saltines, which preceded the midnight feeding of the other half-o-bag of chips and, yes, more cheese dip. And (score!) water.
I really, really dreaded typing that since the minute I stopped chewing it -- partly because it's embarrassing, especially for those of you who have advised me to do certain things. I feel like a massive disappointment. However, as I hate how this kind of purging feels, I believe it will have healthier effects than the other kinds of purging with which I'm acquainted. So there -- water and fat under the bridge. Upward, onward and all that jazz, right? Right! Cheeriness blows, I don't know how some of you do it.
Whatever, next up: Doctor on Thursday, gym on Friday morning, and deadlines to meet by that afternoon. Ugh ... Put the pennies on my eyes, I'm feeling stronger already.
Peace, love and half-o-bags of cheeriness ... xoxo
