By MIKE JONES Associate Editor on May 11, 2012, at 4:11 PM Updated on 5/11 at 4:11 PM
JONEZIN
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I have to change my plans for the fall. Until Friday, I had planned to buy a brand new sports car in September. Not that I can afford a brand new sports car, but I had figured that due to the world coming to an end, according to the Mayan calendar, I would have to make only one or two payments.
For the last year or so, I’ve been reading on the Internet – where everything written is completely factual – that the ancient Mayans had cut a calendar into stone and it ended Dec. 21, 2012. I really hated to see the world come to an end even though my 401K tanked but I figured I’d at least have some fun before the world blew up.
Now, a bunch of scientists and archaeologists have uncovered a new Mayan calendar in the rain forest of Guatemala. And this one extends the future almost indefinetly.
Here’s what the scientists now say. They say they never believed the end-of-the-world sceanrio at all. They say they tried to tell people but no one would listen. Well, they should have put it on the Internet. Everyone believes everything they read on the Internet.
The Mayan, they say, used a series of cycles to track time in which there were 13 baktuns, each representing 400 years. They say the so-called end-of-the-world calendar merely represents 13 baktuns. As of Dec. 21, 13 more baktuns will begin and so on and so on.
In fact, "The Mayan calendar is going to keep going for billions, trillions, octillions of years into the future," one scientist said.
So, my plan for the sports car, at least the Mayan calendar plan, is scrapped. And the crazy minister in California who kept predicting, incorrectly, the end of the world has retired and says he’s out of the end-of-the-world prediction game. So, I can’t count on him.
That leaves me only with the Rapture. Unfortunately, that can’t be predicted, (see above minister) so I have to rely on some generous and pious sports-car-driving Christian who will be lifted from this Earth someday to let me know who he or she is so I can go pick up his or her car (preferably a Porsche 911) and drive it while I’m being tormented for being left behind.
Until then, it looks as if I’m stuck with my four-cylinder Hyundai.
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