The winners in the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest were announced this weekend.
This cheerfully demented contest to come up with the absolute worst opening sentence of an imaginary novel has been around since 1982, sponsored by the Dept. of English & Comparative Literature at San Jose State University in California.
It's named for the Victorian novelist Edward Bulwer-Lytton, who began a novel named "Paul Clifford" with the words, "It was a dark and stormy night" -- a phrase opted by Snoopy in the "Peanuts" comics when said beagle decided it was time to become a writer.
Over the years, the contest has produced some classic examples of horrible puns and surreal non sequiturs.
My personal favorites have always been two of the earliest winners:
"The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted sulkily and, buffing her already impeccable nails--not for the first time since the journey began--pondered snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent with Basil." (Gail Cain, San Francisco, California, 1983 Winner)
"The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarous tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong, clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my steel through your last meal.'" (Steven Garman, Pensacola, Florida, 1984 Winner)
To see what won -- and what came close to winner, check out:
Read the story: Bulwer-Lytton winners
