Tulsa World: Counselors: Online affairs skyrocketing

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Counselors: Online affairs skyrocketing
Married people are increasingly using social networking sites to cheat, they say.

Social workers and counselors say they have seen an explosion of Internet-related affairs as people make connections with old boyfriends and girlfriends through various social networking sites. Tulsa World photo illustration

By BILL SHERMAN World Religion Writer
Published: 10/12/2009 2:19 AM
Last Modified: 10/12/2009 3:33 AM

Two decades ago, they were high school sweethearts.

On a whim, he Googled her on his office computer, and found she lived in a nearby state.

"It's innocent enough," he told himself as he fired off an e-mail to her, "just two old friends reconnecting."

Months later, after an exchange of e-mails, then cell phone calls, in which they eventually talked about their tepid marriages, they agreed to meet at a hotel in Dallas.

This scenario, a composite of clients of Tulsa marriage counselor Brent Sharpe, has become commonplace as the Internet and social media lubricate relationships between people.

"In the last three years, we've seen an astronomical increase in Internet-related affairs," said Sharpe, with the Life Connection Counseling Center. "This whole affairs thing is just off the charts."

Sharpe, a pastor who works primarily with Christian clients in his counseling center, said more than 50 percent of his practice is affair recovery, much of it Internet-related.

"Anything that's good always has its dark side," he said of the Internet.

"Twenty years ago, there was no way to find a high school sweetheart," he said. And social boundaries restricted the face-to-face contact needed for an affair to develop.

The Internet has removed those boundaries, he said, "allowing a relationship to begin to flourish where it never got any traction before."

Sharpe said these illicit relationships usually start slowly and innocently, develop

over time, and last a year or more before they are discovered.

He said that 95 percent of the time, the spouses will never admit to the affair until they are caught, usually by their partners finding e-mails or phone bills.

Dale Doty, founder of Tulsa's oldest Christian counseling center, said 10 to 20 percent of his new clients seek counseling because they've been negatively touched by technology.

"Not a day goes by that I do not have at least one couple in my office who are recovering from relational betrayal" from a secret Internet relationship, said Doty, with the Christian Family Institute.

"I don't consider technology evil. I love technology," he said, "but dangers are lurking under the surface."

The explosion of social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace enables people to stay in touch with their friends, but also sparks affairs year-round that used to only happen after high school reunions, he said.

Internet communication with old flames tends to be a serious violation to most marriages, even without a physical affair, Doty said. When the spouse finds out, there is a sense of betrayal.

Nearly half of Americans use the new social networking technology, he said, but the ethics and ramifications of these devices lag years behind their introduction.

He recommends that couples talk about acceptable Internet behavior and develop clear boundaries.

"When does an affair begin? The first moment you're doing something you don't want your partner to see," he said.

Cynthia Gustafson, independent social worker and counselor, said that married people who look up old girlfriends or boyfriends on the Internet are "opening Pandora's Box."

"It's even more dangerous (than developing new relationships online) because there is already something there to build on," she said.

Gail Harwood, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist for 25 years, called Internet-related affairs "an incredible phenomenon" that she sees every day.

"When one or both partners get involved in Internet relationships with the opposite sex, it causes tremendous damage to the relationship. It can take a long time to rebuild trust," she said.

Clyde Glandon, senior therapist at the Center for Counseling and Education in Tulsa, is an anomaly: a professional without a cell phone.

After helping people with what he calls addictive behavior related to the new media — pornography, video games, cell phone texting, affairs and other abuses of Twitter and Facebook — he is ready to see people unplug.

"I think it's a cultural trend that will probably crest at some point and we'll pull back and say, 'I don't want to do that any more.' "

"We all need to step back and cultivate being present with people," he said.

Bill Sherman 581-8398
bill.sherman@tulsaworld.com By BILL SHERMAN World Religion Writer

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	Report Comment FUTURE WORLD, Tulsa (10/12/2009 2:43:43 AM) Boy that's the truth. Now first of all I'm single. But it's still nerve racking trying to manage 10 different email accounts and not slip the wrong name in the wrong account. I keep cue cards by the mouse. I'll be in the paper if a get it wrong just once. We don't want that. Oh the comments!
	Report Comment FUTURE WORLD, Tulsa (10/12/2009 2:47:14 AM) Piece of advice. No IM's use email only. I almost got caught by live in one night. It was a mircle I was on email to the boss. I can lock it down fast.
	Report Comment Centrist, the burbs (10/12/2009 3:46:00 AM) Future! Don't give away secrets for heavenes sake. It has been a problem for many years. I think the Pastors and Counselors are finally seeing more people come in for help. It is a sad reality. The boundaries online should be the same as the rest of your life. You shouldn't behave any different than if your spouse were standing right next to you. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
	Report Comment FUTURE WORLD, Tulsa (10/12/2009 3:50:51 AM) I have to confess Centrist, I LIED. Surely no one can believe what I said. I love her.
	Report Comment Centrist, the burbs (10/12/2009 3:53:46 AM) Uh-huh, sure I believe you.
	Report Comment FUTURE WORLD, Tulsa (10/12/2009 3:56:51 AM) PLEASE!
	Report Comment FUTURE WORLD, Tulsa (10/12/2009 3:59:18 AM) no, I Really do. I just got this new big spoon, and I just wanted to see how it stirred the pot.
	Report Comment droopy, wagoner (10/12/2009 6:41:46 AM) FW, You lie!
	Report Comment insider, Tulsa (10/12/2009 7:05:10 AM) just like all those stats i tossed out yesterday; good Christians trying get some on the side; don't worry, just ask god to forgive and he probably will, especially if you're a good christian
	Report Comment Oldfatdude, Shàngdu (10/12/2009 8:30:58 AM) People good. Internet bad. Me Tarzan, where Jane?
	Report Comment FIRE GUNDY, TULSA (10/12/2009 8:32:59 AM) A lotta lonely people out there.
	Report Comment 2ndjoyce, BA (10/12/2009 8:44:44 AM) You're right, FIRE GUNDY. Baseball season runs into football season and hunting season overlaps both. All we want is to know we're more important than a touchdown.
	Report Comment lucky girl, mine (10/12/2009 8:47:33 AM) People need to think about what they have at home before they go "shopping" online.
	Report Comment THESMOKEHOLE, Tulsa (10/12/2009 9:30:33 AM) I had nothing to do with it....
	Report Comment SS_Hippy, Tulsa (10/12/2009 9:34:21 AM) lucky girl is also wise girl
	Report Comment TheWebGangster, Tulsa (10/12/2009 9:36:24 AM) Huh? Now this explains the ongoing relationship between Democrat and Michael Phillips!
	Report Comment parksport, (10/12/2009 9:37:26 AM) I thought this stuff happened back in the days of free AOL disc blitzes and only now it is being made an official observation?
	Report Comment Bullhead, Nicut (10/12/2009 10:01:48 AM) parksport, right. They are just now making noise about it. It's been ruining lives for years. Mine included at one point. I've learned that some spouses can't take a joke.. okay, it wasn't a joke.. it was fun that turned ugly. Oh, and they never really look like those pictures they send you.
	Report Comment Ayo, T-Town (10/12/2009 10:15:04 AM) These counselors are way behind. There's so much of this going on it's mind boggling. This is the new age of extra-marital affairs. There are many a spouse, and/or significant other, live-ins that are being duped. My guess is most are clueless. A lot of them are good Christians, too!
	Report Comment Thunder196, Tulsa (10/12/2009 10:16:37 AM) Parksport Bullhead Both are right. This is nothing new. I worked with two people one left and went out east to meet someone and live with them. Left family. Wasn't what they thought it was going to be. . Second one has gone with guys for years. I told her she was going to find her throat slit some day. That didn't happen but last one cleaned out her bank accounts. I loaned her money for food. She found out the last one was married.
	Report Comment Ayo, T-Town (10/12/2009 10:20:53 AM) My guess is that there's something about cyberworld which catches people off guard in the beginning. Then things get way out of control, and way beyond where they thought they would go. I think we're just now beginning to hear about cyber affairs. Many of the cyber affairs lead to physical ones. Good luck to all you married people. Watch out for yourselves.
	Report Comment It Matters!, (10/12/2009 10:38:34 AM) The problem here is that you have christian counselors working with these people. How can they help if they do not believe in reality to begin with.
	Report Comment Telecaster-Dave, Tulsa (10/12/2009 11:43:18 AM) Why are athiest's so shocked at the knowledge of Christian sin? That's what I like about Christians; they're well acclamated to the fact that "we're all sinners". Atheist should follow the example of anti Christian heavy metal bands: pick on the Christians, they'll only pray for you. Don't say anything about the Muslims, they'll cut off your head.
	Report Comment parksport, (10/12/2009 11:54:41 AM) Ironic there is sometimes little difference between the behavior this article addresses and the behavior of posters on a newspaper web site, or any web site, when online anonymity is afforded the user. I advise everyone to use caution and be wary, but then again, that implies everyone uses common sense. I fail in that department enough already without help from the internet.
	Report Comment Proud Muslim, Tulsa: Coolest place in the world (almost) (10/12/2009 11:56:20 AM) "Don't say anything about the Muslims, they'll cut off your head." Of course we will, Telecaster-Dave. (Rolls eyes.)

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