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Surprise 'pop-in' is outrageous
By Ask Amy
Published: 3/13/2010 2:20 AM
Last Modified: 3/13/2010 4:04 AM
Dear Amy: During a visit with my brother several months ago, my sister-in-law slyly let it slip that my mom and sister plan to fly from New York to Florida for a surprise weekend sleepover visit with me.
These "covert" plans are annoying to me because I previously told my mom that I would be happy to have her visit once the weather gets warmer and my work schedule eases up.
Furthermore, I will have seen my mother and sister just two weeks before this surprise visit at my nephew's wedding.
I think they want an excuse for a vacation, and I feel that even though I am almost 50 years old, my mother and sister are treating me as if I am at summer camp and the visit would be a great bonding experience.
Not only would this be an uninvited visit, but contrary to my previously expressed wishes.
Am I overreacting? And, if they show up unannounced, how should I greet them?
I know I will resent that they chose to ignore my personal space. — Reluctant Host
Dear Reluctant:
I'm in a bind. I recently supported the concept of the "unannounced pop-in" because it seems to me that every now and then, people should be able to drop by a family member's house (if they're passing by) and be treated graciously.
Your story takes the pop-in to a whole new level, however, so let me suggest a guideline of sorts that aggrieved family members can use to gauge the level of rudeness:
If guests arrive unannounced and bearing suitcases, you're
in the rude red zone.
You have the benefit of knowing about this, so you had better handle it now.
Tell your mother and sister that under no circumstances should they ever plan to surprise you for a weekend visit. Among other outrages, this would prevent you from planning for and enjoying the anticipation of having guests.
You are not overreacting.
Dear Amy:
I am a lawyer who does domestic law. Regarding the advice to "Worried," who was inquiring about her abused brother-in-law, I would add that the brother-in-law needs to consult with a lawyer.
The sexism of judges on issues of domestic abuse and child custody is prevalent.
A man in this situation needs significantly more evidence than a woman, so the brother-in-law may need to develop more evidence before he can get a protective order and, more important, full custody of the children — otherwise this abusive mother may win custody.
A lawyer can be part of a team (which should also involve domestic violence counselors, as you suggested) to help him decide how to proceed. — Maryland Attorney
Dear Attorney:
Many men have written in regarding the bias of the courts toward mothers.
Thank you for your counsel.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
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