'Real Housewives' know no difference between Vegas, Italy
BY CARY ASPINWALL World Scene Writer
Sunday, August 15, 2010
8/15/10 at 5:42 AM
Real Housewives of New Jersey
Why am I still watching this show?
For the valuable life lessons, of course.
For instance, if you're already in a heap of legal and financial trouble, it's probably a bad idea to crash your car and then do shots of whiskey prior to calling the police (this was Joe's explanation for his DWI arrest).
Also, as Danielle keeps enlightening us, karma is an itch. Or something.
"I'm just going to continue living in the love and light that they make fun of while their darkness reigns upon them," she explained.
Life coach Danny's response: "Do it."
He's like the Zen master of Rikers Island, really.
The rest of the New Jersey housewives decide to book it to Venice for a little R&R.
Perfect metaphor for this show: They chartered a bus with a stripper pole and got drunk en route to the airport for their classy Italy trip.
In general, they seemed a little disappointed that Venice, Italy, is not exactly like the resort in Las Vegas.
Except for Teresa yelling for Joe to spank her on the water taxi. I bet that happens in Vegas, too. (Oh, if only what happened in Vegas actually stayed there ...)
Also puzzling: Teresa's big mission in Venice is to go to "Chanel's" as she calls it. Really more of a Paris thing, Chanel being French and all.
But I haven't been to the Venetian resort in Vegas - is there a Chanel store there? That might be why she's confused.
When they make it to the cruise ship, Teresa keeps making Titanic jokes. Then she and Jacqueline get drunk on mojitos and act like idiots.
Really, the best part of this episode was Teresa's bratty little daughters getting a taste of Caroline discipline.
Frankly, the other housewives could all use a little of that.
What's scarier: The prospect of getting put "on blast" by former New York Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni, or trying to get a facial expression out of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi when she's serving as judge for the Quickfire Challenge?
This week, we got two of my favorite challenges: The tag team cook-off Quickfire Challenge and restaurant wars.
An unintentionally hilarious moment with Angelo this week: He names his team's restaurant "EVOO" and tries to convince America that they didn't just borrow Rachael Ray's famously annoying shorthand for Extra-Virgin Olive Oil. By pronouncing it E-vu. Sure. But if you try to pass off a 30-minute buffalo chicken "sammie" as a spicy southeast Asian banh mi, prepare to be mocked.
Alex should prepare to be mocked a lot after this week. He barely did anything, messed up the items he did touch and was a general disaster working the front of the house. And underwhelming Amanda messes up a simple strip steak dish, her only task.
So who goes home?
Talented-but-sometimes-overconfident Kenny because Frank Bruni apparently hates gilding the lily more than he hates general incompetence.
You could tell by the looks on Alex and Amanda's faces that they knew it should have been one of them.
I'm going to break this episode down in terms that even the cast might understand: Goofus and Gallant from "Highlights" magazine.
Goofus (Ronnie, in this case) gets sloppy drunk at the club, makes out with random skanks and then stumbles home to crawl in bed with his low self-esteem ex-girlfriend, Sammi.
Gallant (Pauly D, in this instance) doesn't punch his drunk meanie female roommate Angelina, even after she screams at him and slaps him three times in the face.
He walks away because gentleman like DJ Pauly D don't punch gals, even when the viewers might want to.
Goofus (again, Ronnie) gets even sloppier drunk, calls Sammi a mucking twitch and then shoves wee Snooki when she tries to encourage him to fess up to Sammi about all the "creeping."
"Ronnie when he's drunk is like a different person lately" one of his roomies laments.
Yes because when he's not stumbling drunk and calling people bunts, he's discussing "Eat Pray Love" with his book club and volunteering at the soup kitchen.
Gallant (Vinny here) works hard at the gelato shop, tells Snooki she looks hot before the gang goes clubbing and tries to steer his bros away from bringing home "grenades" from "the Bronx Zoo."
"I mean, Mike and Pauly would take home a stray dog if there were no girls left," Vinny explains.
Goofus (once again, Ronnie) crawls into Sammi's bed, again, after the drunken bar fight and asks her to "smush."
I think J. Woww said it best: "That's a true pig right there, no offense to Ronnie."
Gallant (Vinny again) passes out drunk with Snooki but resists the urge to smush.
Sounds like Ronnie's doctor needs to restock the waiting room copies of "Highlights" for when he comes in to renew his Valtrex prescription!
Original Print Headline: Italy, Vegas, what's the difference?
Alex (left), Tiffany, Angelo and Ed prepare their menus for the restaurant wars on "Top Chef." DAVID GIESBRECHT/Bravo
Chris and Jacqueline Laurita take a gondola ride in Venice, Italy on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." LUIGI COSTANTINI/Bravo