Letter to the Editor: More strange birds
BY Barbara Santee, Tulsa
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The birds described by William Snyder ("Strange birds," May 12) are not herons, but rather the yellow-bellied sapsucker (Republicus Vulturus). The sapsucker is native to Oklahoma, and has overrun the state, endangering the environment, and invading the habitat of more peace-loving species.
The sapsucker's favorite pastime is pooping on women, minorities and old people. Sapsuckers are famous for migrating to Washington, D.C, to attack the dreaded Hawaiian blackbird (e pluribus unum), who mates for life and now nests in the environs of the White House.
Recently, there were several attempts by the sapsucker subspecies to displace the blackbird; for example, the Alaskan snowbird (Terminus Interruptus), the hairy-crested loon (Booby Eternus), the Minnesota nuthatch (Crackpotus Extremus), the red-necked robin (Bubba Sanctimonius), and last but not least, the Newtonian dodo (Pretentious Supremus), who gets lost during migrations because he tries to go two different directions at once, confusing the hell out of all the other birds.
Occasionally a sapsucker stays in Washington to harass the more friendly birds. An example is the hardheaded woodpecker (Bimbo Jimbo) and the Muskogee pill pusher (Hypocrite Par Excellence). Sapsuckers are famous for self-destruction and don't present a significant threat to the American bald eagle.
The only natural enemy for the sapsucker is the truth. It causes sapsuckers to shrivel up and fade away like the Wicked Witch of the West.
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