The Picker: A holiday list of all things right in sports
BY The Picker
Thursday, December 15, 2011
12/15/11 at 1:42 PM
EVERYBODY KNOWS what's wrong with sports.
In the true spirit of the season, let's take a few moments to celebrate all that's good.
Here are the best things of all the games.
It's the Gordon Gekko "greed is good" angle, circulate that $100 million salary, kids.
21. Athletes help perfect drug testing.
20. The mute button.
19. Grammar doesn't stop anybody.
Me and him is going pro.
Medium Game Bob.
17. Athletes against over-crowding.
Basketball stars seldom go to class.
16. Freaky uniforms.
Throw the inmates some crumbs.
15. Bowls named for products.
Stuff like the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl makes it easy to spend the season at home.
The Hooterville Cam, which masks the shots of half-empty stands.
13. Sports mirror business.
12. Sports spark imagination.
Anonymous college referees: Exactly where was that costly OSU field goal versus Iowa State, pal?
11. Sweet media.
They're pals, not reporters. They condemn anonymity yet make livings off anonymous sources. Some are paid by teams they cover.
10. Regional bowls.
The BCS final game usually has a home team.
9. Leagues own teams.
Big stars are redirected toward the boonies for balance.
Coaches vote in polls without watching games.
7. See the world.
Conference realignment sends San Diego State to the Big East.
6. Safety first.
Stadiums are now emptied when it showers.
5. Jobs for everybody.
Sports talk radio manages to stays on the air without listeners.
4. Sense of humor plays a big part in college sports.
3. Jobs for anybody.
Coaches get better jobs simply because a player gets hot (see Texas A&M).
2. Greed is great.
1. Bad pickers.
Why pay attention to somebody who can't pick a lick?
Jacksonville at Atlanta (-11): On the NFL channel, this is a pretty sorry way to treat your own network.
Atlanta by 13.
Dallas (-6 1/2) at Tampa Bay: Dallas has done a tremendous job of living with outrageous failure, a playoff win every decade or so.
The reoccurring link in the chain of disasters is meddling owner Jones, who hires head coaches willing to cash the check and nod when he says let's draft that guy from Cornell with our first pick.
Defensive coach Ryan, who looks like he just waded out of the swamp under a full moon, has begun to appear larger than life during the current tackling slump.
Dallas by 4.
New Mexico Bowl, Wyoming versus Temple (-7): Perfect place to start a nonsensical bowl boycott.
True, many games are so bad you have to watch a little.
Just don't buy a product that could support this stuff.
Temple by 3.
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, Ohio versus Utah State (-2 1/2): Formerly known as the Humanitarian Bowl.
The humanitarians must have bailed.
To be held in nippy Boise, bring on the chili fries.
Utah State by 4.
New Orleans Bowl, Louisiana Lafayette versus San Diego State (-5 1/2): Without LaLa as the home team, this would have drawn flies.
San Diego State by 3.
Detroit (-1) at Oakland: Carson Palmer moves like Arnie Palmer.
Oakland by 3.
New England (-6) at Denver: This Tebow thing is getting a little out of hand, as now he is being given credit when opponents fumble.
And he hasn't beaten a team worth much.
New England by 14.
Baltimore (-7 1/2) at San Diego: Nobody plays better than San Diego when it means nothing.
San Diego by 2.
Steelers at San Francisco (-2): Finally a Monday night game worth following past the half.
SF by 3.
Original Print Headline: In the spirit of the season, hereis a sports list of all good things