Husband's Facebook flirting, texting leave wife hurting
BY Ask Amy
Monday, April 16, 2012
4/16/12 at 3:43 AM
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 25 years. We have a happy marriage, except for one issue. For the past three years, since joining Facebook, my husband has been contacting former girlfriends.
He does background searches on them: whom they married, what their spouses look like, where they work and property information to see where they live and how much their homes are worth.
He then starts to communicate with them, delving into personal and emotional aspects of their lives.
I accidentally discovered this when his cellphone alarm went off and I saw a text message from a woman I had never heard of. There were hundreds of messages between the two of them. They had switched from Facebook to texting to avoid detection from her husband.
There was nothing overtly sexual (only flirty), and he asked her to send a picture from when she was a cheerleader in high school.
I insisted he stop communicating with her, which he did. A few months later I discovered that he had created another account and a dossier of pictures of her from high school and from Facebook, along with his background research.
In the past year, he has done this at least six times with other women. One is a complete stranger (not someone from his past).
When I tell him this makes me very uncomfortable, he clams up and then accuses me of being jealous and controlling. He tells me there is nothing sexual going on, and says he has never been unfaithful (I agree).
Should this not bother me? He says I have no right to tell him whom he can communicate with. - Anxious Spouse
Dear Anxious: Your husband is right - you have no right to tell him whom he can communicate with. But embedded within the emotional contract of marriage is the implicit agreement that spouses will make every effort not to cause their partner pain or anxiety.
His "investigations" and dossiers are creepy. Delving into emotional and intimate conversations with these women definitely crosses the line. His secrecy tells you that he knows this is wrong.
Your husband does not have the "right" to tell you how to feel. This is interfering with the intimate connection between the two of you.
I gather he does not do this with male friends from high school. Why not?
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