Memorial lily at church goes unrecognized
BY Ask Amy
Sunday, May 06, 2012
5/06/12 at 3:18 AM
Dear Amy: I have been grieving the death of my life's best friend and soul mate for almost 18 months. We were senior citizens who never married due mostly to financial reasons.
We loved each other very much, and our relationship lasted almost 23 years. As a memorial tribute, I bought an Easter lily to be placed in my church on Easter Sunday. The purchase was made through a lady at church, and I wrote his name in the space provided for the memorial.
On Easter Sunday, his name was not printed on the memorial profile. Instead it was printed that I had given the lily "To the Glory of God."
I have been very upset, thinking that they would omit his name and not honor my wishes in my own church. I am thinking of not going back.
I feel so betrayed, as I did not know that people in the church were judging me and my relationship with him.
What should I do? - Betrayed
Dear Betrayed: I agree with you that this is an important matter - and one that should be taken directly to clergy.
Your clergy member might tell you that they have some "policy" dictating that only married couples may memorialize each other by name. If so, then you might want to seek another place to worship.
If not, you are owed a sincere apology that this congregant did not respect your memorial request.
Meeting with clergy would also give you the opportunity to discuss your immense loss and the grief you are experiencing.
Dear Amy: My son has been married for almost four years.
Before they were married, his girlfriend/fiancee often joined us for dinner on Sundays. Both of them would always do the dishes afterward, and I appreciated it very much.
What has happened in recent years, where daughters-in-law don't offer to help with the dishes? Or even help to clear the table?
My son always helps to clear the table, but she makes no attempt at all.
I asked my son one time why they used to always help before they were married, but once they became man and wife, that all stopped.
He said that is how her family does it; if one is invited to their house, there is no expectation for a guest to help, and vice versa.
Why am I expected to follow her traditions, especially when I always helped when my mother-in-law did the cooking?
I've been on this earth for a lot longer than my daughter-in-law, and she expects me to go by her rules? - Upset
Dear Upset: Your attitude toward this, and your behavior, is passive-aggressive and unkind.
Families all have different ways of handling this sort of thing. In my family, if you set foot in the kitchen while at another family member's house, you take your life in your hands.
I prescribe a "do-over" for you and your daughter-in-law. The next time they come over, simply say to her - kindly, please - "Stacy, would you mind helping with the dishes (or making coffee, or helping to serve dessert)? I'd appreciate it so much."
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