The Picker: Here's a pep talk about what really matters in football
BY The Picker
Thursday, September 13, 2012
9/13/12 at 5:40 AM
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Original Print Headline: Here's a pep talk about what matters
All right coaches, gather around, it's time to go over the game plan for the big conference showdown.
National TV will be here with its super-slo-mo cameras and hair-trigger microphones and lip readers.
What that means is all sideline coaching personnel will be equipped with the new plastic mouth shields that will keep the flaming profanity where it belongs, in-house.
Next, concerning our first-team All-American linebacker who was arrested the night before last for assault, battery, fake ID, DUI, fencing stolen property and buying and selling stolen tests. This student athlete will be suspended from practices Monday and Tuesday.
Here's the grade check. The entire defensive secondary is flunking out.
But it appears that our bowl game will fall before the semester break.
So congratulations go to coaches on that side of the football.
Remember people, it's game day.
Under no circumstance will you grab a young man by his face mask and try to twist his head off.
Here's some more good news. Beginning Monday we will have the services of a staff of Tweet tutors to correct the grammar of our particularly dumb players.
Now gentlemen and gentlewomen, I want to leave you with one thought before we take the field.
We're insanely overpaid.
If we didn't have these jobs, we'd be out trying to sell household goods and farm equipment.
So let's go out there and win one for the tax collector!
Chicago at Green Bay (-5): The Bears are like a good dog, trusted a lot more at home.
GB by 7.
LaLa (U of L) at Oklahoma State (-22): Somehow the state of Louisiana has become a serious producer of college guys majoring in football, small-town fellows playing their way out of the wetlands while elevating nowhere schools to prominence.
It's a little hard to see how the losses of Weeden and Blackmon caused O-State to give up almost 100 versus Zona a week back in a defensive performance reminiscent of the pre-Pickens era.
The defense was so lousy, homers have begun to rave about how great the freshman quarterback is, costly interceptions and all.
Was something like 100-80 a year back in Stillwater, when the Cowboys were better.
OSU by 24.
Texas A&M (-14) at SMU: Longest running Aggie joke in history - A&M leaves mushy Big 12 to join SEC - enters its second week.
Aggies by 20.
USC (-9) at Stanford: Several USC secrets revealed here: Its quarterback has an average arm, the defense is lousy. But it's still No. 1 in cheerleaders.
USC by 10.
Texas (-11) at Mississippi: Home team beat UTEP about like OU did.
If Mack Brown wasn't named Mack Brown, he'd be coaching for his job.
Texas by 10.
Arizona State at Missouri (-7 1/2): Turns out former TU coach Graham knew what he was doing when he crept out of Pitt to Zona State under the cover of dark losses.
Missouri by 7.
BYU (-3 1/2) at Utah: With Boise State back where it belongs on page 4, BYU is the only potential BCS buster.
Two more years of the BCS is like two more years of a live-in in-law.
BYU by 7.
Alabama (-14) at Arkansas: This one is all about the Ark quarterback.
We became groggy watching him become groggy.
Ark has a slight chance with him, none without.
Bama by 17.
TCU (-21) at Kansas: Remember how KU fired Mangino because he yelled at his players?
Those were the great old days.
TCU by 17.
Florida at Tennessee (-2): Just what the Big 12 escapees need, Tennessee getting better.
Tennessee by 7.
Notre Dame at Michigan State (-3 1/2): Irish lose a leaf of clover on the road.
State by 4.
Baltimore at the Eagles (-3): The Eagle dynasty appeared to end with the preseason.
Philadelphia by 4.
Dallas (-3) at Seattle: Difficult as it is to believe, Cowboy assistant head coach Jerry Jones has gone even nuttier this season, handing out game balls after the opener.
But it sure is easy to dislike the showboat Carroll.
Couple of nice offenses show off here.
Dallas by 4.
Washington (-2 1/2) at St. Louis: If not a must-win for Bradford's people on week two, this is at least a must-play-a-whole-lot-better encounter.
Everybody says the new St. Louis coach can coach.
Show it, pal.
St. Louis by 3.
Detroit at San Francisco (-6 1/2): Stare-down: The Sequel.
Almost turned into a slap-fest featuring head coaches last year.
SF by 7.
Denver at Atlanta (-4): Manning's dink and doink attack didn't play well on the road even when he had his fastball.
Atlanta by 7.