Husband's contact with exes worries new wife
BY Ask Amy
Thursday, October 11, 2012
10/11/12 at 2:09 AM
Dear Amy: My man and I have been together for three years and just got married. Unfortunately, we continue to have an unresolved problem, even though we have been to counseling.
He has a few exes whom he keeps in touch with. I have only one ex whom I occasionally talk to, but my husband has met my ex, and I tell my husband whenever my ex and I speak.
I have no problem with his being in touch with his exes, but he refuses to let me meet them and gets defensive if I ask about them. He says he does not spend time with them socially and so there is no need for me to meet them.
I ask to get an update every now and then, but he only tells me about two of them. I know he's in touch with more than two women because I've glanced at his phone (he guards his phone with his life and won't let me see it).
I'm not asking for a transcript. I just want to hear about this contact because I'm uncomfortable with these relationships, but he says this is unreasonable. I'm trying really hard to trust him, and I'm tired of fighting. Other than this he's a wonderful man.
Is it appropriate for a man or woman to have private relationships and regular communication with a member of the opposite sex when in a committed relationship? - Upset Wife
Dear Wife: Transparency is vital between partners. The more opaque or secretive your husband is, the more it will interfere with the intimacy you should share.
Your husband's choice to maintain secret relationships with other people interferes with your intimacy. It's as if he has invited other people into your relationship but he won't let you meet them.
I recommend "Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity," by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli (2004, Free Press). Read this book together, and discuss it in counseling.
Dear Amy: Is it proper for a married man to compliment a woman on her appearance? I realize it can be overdone, but occasionally a new hairstyle or a certain outfit really stands out.
In such cases, I would like to tell a lady that I think she looks nice, but my wife says it makes most women uncomfortable and would not be appreciated. My 21-year-old daughter says she enjoys receiving compliments and thinks most women do. Who is correct? - Wondering
Dear Wondering: I suspect the woman whom your compliments make uncomfortable is your wife. Unless this praise is too intimate or goes galloping out of control, you should feel free to parcel out the praise - and direct some of it toward your wife.
Send questions via email to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
Associated Images:
|
