Helicopter parents hover over trip
BY AMY DICKINSON
Thursday, December 13, 2012
1/08/13 at 8:24 AM
Dear Amy: My daughter is 20. She met a young man a few summers ago. Things have become "serious" (her words), and they are celebrating their one-year anniversary. He lives in Tennessee (11 hours away by car), and she attends college near our home.
He visited her during spring break last year, and we met him briefly during that time. He is her age and in college.
He now expects her to visit him for a few days after Christmas. I'm told she will stay in his sister's room at his parent's house (He has an apartment near campus). I'm sure he and his family are nice people, but we don't know them.
She wants to travel alone since she feels she is an adult. She says he is a gentleman. My wife and I are very uncomfortable with this. We persuaded her not to drive. She is willing to pay for the travel expenses by bus or plane.
I don't feel good about her demands and the pressure her boyfriend is exerting on her. We thought about driving her down and renting a motel room for a few days, but that isn't practical.
I keep thinking about all the things that can go wrong such as her being ill or hurt, them breaking up, potential abuse, problems with transit predators, etc. If we don't let her go, I think she'll end up going anyway. I trust her, but not him.
What do you recommend? - Concerned Parents
Dear Concerned: Your girl is not traveling to Balochistan. She's going to Tennessee. All of the things you are worried about are all hazards that await any of us the minute we leave the house.
If your daughter can afford to pay for this trip and if the two of them have been responsive to you about where she will stay, etc., then you should share your concerns and reservations but otherwise embrace this trip.
She should provide her boyfriend's and his folks' phone numbers so you can call to thank them for their hospitality; this will be an opportunity for you to get to know one another.
Give her all of your parental warnings about bus station transit predators and unprotected boyfriend sex, and ask her to take your calls and to check in with you each day.
Dear Amy: I loved your recent description of "nagging": "Nags 'nag' because they feel they aren't being heard." I hate the thought that I'm nagging - and that's exactly what it feels like! - A Fan
Dear Fan: A counselor once offered this description to me regarding my own behavior. It helped.
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