Prospective fiance mulling over his choice
BY AMY DICKINSON
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
1/08/13 at 8:19 AM
Dear Amy: I'm thinking about asking my girlfriend to marry me, but I'm not sure. We've been together for about two years but have known each other much longer. We have heavily overlapping social circles.
We get along very well most of the time, but when we do argue it tends to be about politics, about where we should live and other big-picture things. When we argue, she has a tendency to be dismissive and unyielding. I'm worried that what seem like nebulous or abstract differences will eventually become concrete and create problems.
Am I making too big a deal of these things? I'm worried about waking up (in 12 years) at 40 and realizing that I've compromised on things that were really important to me.
Can you help clarify this for me? - Vexed Boyfriend
Dear Boyfriend: The real clues to your future challenges exist not in the nature of compromise but in how these agreements are reached. If you are consistently giving in to someone who belittles or dismisses you, then that's not compromise - that's being dominated and bullied into submission. And, yes, you would definitely regret being married to that.
To have a successful long-term relationship, you and your partner need to learn how to talk, fight, visit and revisit issues - and how to leave some things well-enough alone. Successful relationships are those in which both partners feel they share basic values and approach big-picture issues as a team.
Your intuition is a gift. Pay attention. You know that things will have to be different for your relationship to succeed. If you are contemplating having children with your girlfriend, her current attitude would make her a poor parent.
Does she want to learn to express herself differently? Does she want to be in a successful and peaceful partnership with you? If so, the journey toward change could start with a couples counselor. I highly recommend it before marriage.
Dear Amy: I really saw myself in the letter from "Emotional" that I read in your column. Emotional said she was frequently criticized by family members for her "nasty tone."
I have often been told that I have a certain "tone." I feel I'm saying fairly neutral things, but it's not the words that seem to offend people, it's the tone. I'm not sure if I have the guts to ask my family to impersonate me on camera, the way you suggested in your answer, but the mere thought of it makes me eager to pay more attention to my own tone. - Emotional Too
Dear Too: Tone is everything (she said through clenched teeth). I give you credit for trying to change.
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