Grandmother questions close relationship
BY AMY DICKINSON
Friday, January 04, 2013
1/08/13 at 8:15 AM
Dear Amy: During a holiday visit, I noticed my daughter and 11-year-old granddaughter were so attached to each other that there was no time or space for anyone else.
One day, my daughter had the day off from work and allowed her daughter to stay home from school. They giggled in mom's room for a while and spent two hours cuddling on the sofa watching a movie. After, they sang carols and then sat on the floor cutting out snowflakes.
Sounds innocent, but it seemed odd to me since this was the pattern the whole time I was visiting: Daughter went to work, picked up granddaughter at the end of the day and the evening was spent baking, cuddling, singing, laughing and swapping clothes.
I know I sound as if I'm jealous of my granddaughter, but isn't this smothering? My daughter's husband seems fine with it. My granddaughter has friends and is close to other grandparents. She has some after-school activities, but mommy is her whole world. It seems as if my daughter is putting herself in a position for a huge letdown in a year or two. - Puzzled Granny
Dear Granny: What, exactly, would this anticipated "letdown" in your daughter's life consist of? The absence of cutting snowflakes together when your granddaughter grows too old for this activity?
If your granddaughter is close to other family members, has friends and activities outside the home, and (aside from missing a day) does well in school, then mommy is not her whole world. Everything you mention is appropriate for an 11-year-old.
The way these two interact might be quite different from what you remember from your time as a mother, when adults might have been less child-oriented, but this change is due partly to the dynamic created when mothers work outside the home. This can make home time very precious, and it sounds as if your daughter is making the most of it.
She should not neglect you or her husband. She will do best if she also has a balance of friends and activities outside of her daughter's orbit, but she is making choices that seem (mostly) benign.
Dear Amy: "Granny's Conundrum" concerned the role of a grandmother in her granddaughter's life. The granddaughter was obese and dressed poorly. You advocated that she try to love this child "as she is."
I think to not intervene when a child is obese is akin to child abuse. This is a health matter that should be dealt with. - Grandparent
Dear Grandparent: I agree that the obesity should be dealt with but feel it is the parents' job.
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