Stepkids are 'real,' so family must deal
BY AMY DICKINSON
Thursday, January 17, 2013
1/17/13 at 2:18 AM
Dear Amy: When I married my wife, she had two kids and I had two kids. We became a very happy blended family of six and have been together for 12 years.
My wife's extended family has accepted this. They always include all four children for holidays and recognize all the kids' birthdays. They love all four kids equally, and it shows at family functions.
My family just can't accept our blended family. They exclude my stepkids on birthdays, graduations, Christmas, family functions, conversations, etc.
My sister frequently tells my wife that her kids are not blood-related to us, and she rubs this in my wife's face a lot. The hurt in my wife's eyes is hard for me to handle.
I married my wife and want to protect her from all of this. It's hard to accept that, with all the things in this world that could hurt my wife, it's my family that hurts her the most.
I'm so ashamed. How can I get my family to understand how hurtful their actions are? - Sad Dad
Dear Sad: You have had more than a decade to train your family to be decent people and let them adjust to reality, which roughly translates to this: "My wife and I have four children. Deal with it."
You have not advocated for your wife and children. Now, rather than passively commenting on how sad your wife's eyes are when she is disrespected in your presence, I suggest you act a little less sad and get a lot more mad.
The next time your sister expresses this level of disrespect toward your wife and children, your reaction should be consistent: "This is unacceptable. Get your coat; it's time to go."
You owe your wife and all of your children an apology. Say: "My family members are ignorant and have been very rude to all of us. We are 100 percent family, and I'm going to try to do a better job of being a dad to all of you."
When you tolerate this disrespect, your stepchildren aren't the only ones affected. This treatment places your biological children in a terrible spot with their siblings. I'm sure it makes them uncomfortable, embarrassed and quite sad.
Dear Amy: The letter from "Shaking My Head" was familiar. This writer was bewildered at her stepson's choice to use college financial aid to pay off credit card debt.
I know of students who accept financial aid, show up for the first day of class, get an F for the semester and spend the rest of their time squandering this money. - Also Shaking
Dear Shaking: These students are also squandering their future, and that's a shame.
Send questions via email to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
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