Ask Amy: Host feeling guilty after nasty exchange
BY AMY DICKINSON
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Dear Amy: Once a week a
group of my friends gathers
at one of our houses for dessert
and to watch a popular
television show. I hosted last
week, and I had a glass of
wine prior to people showing
up.
I have a 1930s house and
an old-style TV, whereas
everyone else is in a new
house with the biggest and
best of everything. A friend’s
husband and I got onto the
topic of old houses. It was
not a friendly conversation.
Frankly, I was buzzed. I can
have a short temper, and
I was seething during the
conversation.
We managed to make it
to the end of the show, but
this friend’s wife made a
disparaging remark about me
being drunk. I blew it out of
proportion. I caught another
close friend looking at me
like “… who are you?”
Since this incident I have
called both friends to see
if they would talk this out.
I don’t drink daily or even
weekly, but I did come from
a house full of alcoholics.
Mom could get verbally
nasty when she drank. Is that
where I get my temper? You
read about people with Irish
tempers throwing plates at
each other (I’m Irish) — is it
genetic or learned behavior?
What should I do? —
Guilty
Dear Guilty: This type of
drunken rage is as common
in a John Cheever story as it
is in a Frank McCourt memoir.
These close friends are
telling you that your drinking
is a problem. You must
believe them — and admit it
to yourself.
Because you have alcoholism
in your family, you
should not drink at all. You
could pursue recovery, get
information and find support
through Alcoholics Anonymous.
Go to aa.org to find a
local meeting.
Dear Amy: What’s the harm
in having a secret platonic
friend of the opposite sex?
My friend came back into
my life a year ago following a
tragedy, and we talk at least
once a week. Talking with
her produces a new level
of comfort, understanding
and self-esteem. However, I
haven’t disclosed any of this
communication to my wife.
On the one hand I feel so
guilty, but on the other hand
I see little harm.
I can’t bear the thought of
ending this relationship, and
I’m afraid my wife will insist
I terminate it if I confess.
My friend’s partner is also
unaware of my existence.
In my heart I know this
has developed into an underground
relationship, which
can’t continue in its present
state. Though I haven’t
lied to my wife, I feel I have
woven a web of deceit. Is this
wrong as long as it’s platonic?
— Worried Husband
Dear Husband: One aspect of
your secret relationship is
that you are sharing intimacies
and emotions with your
friend that you could (or
should) be sharing with your
life partner.
This relationship is wrong
because it feels wrong. There
is no difference between
weaving a “web of deceit” and
outright lying. A professional
therapist could help you
and your wife deal with the
tragedy you’ve suffered, sort
through your feelings and restore
the intimacy you should
share. Your secret friendship
may have helped you heal
during a tough time, but your
friend has no healthy role to
play in your marriage.
Original Print Headline: Host feeling guilty after nasty exchange
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