Sudden reappearance opens old wounds
BY AMY DICKINSON
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Dear Amy: For several years
I had a best friend, “Steve,”
with whom I had quite a
tumultuous relationship.
Although he claimed to
be straight and I am gay, it
ultimately transitioned into
a sexual relationship quite
unexpectedly, leading him
to break up with his girlfriend.
A few months later,
my friend skipped town to
try to sort out his feelings.
He was never heard from
again — by me or other
friends.
Cut to 13 years later
— I’m in a good, stable
relationship with “Danny.”
We really love each other
but don’t have a satisfying
sexual relationship.
Now, out of the blue
Steve called me to say he is
moving back. He said he’d
love to see me and “get our
friendship back on track”
and get together with his
girlfriend and my partner.
I acknowledge fully (and
have worked through with
therapists) that when Steve
added sex to our relationship,
I developed emotional
feelings for him. But that
was a long time ago.
My current partner
knows all of this. I’d like
to see Steve separately, to
know why things happened
the way they did. I know
that by rehashing the past
I’m potentially opening old
wounds. I’m also sending
a signal to my partner that
someone from my past matters
as much as he does.
Am I doing something
wrong by seeing Steve
when he’s in town? Am I
cheating? Should I allow
myself to explore the
wounds that were left in an
effort to understand myself
more? — Confused
Dear Confused: If you’ve
worked this through with
therapists and worked
this out with your partner,
I’m left wondering what,
exactly, you hope to work
out with “Steve,” and how
much work is required
before you are finally free
of this relationship.
It is not cheating to see a
friend separately from your
partner, but it is wrong to
see someone with this sort
of sexually charged shared
history without your
partner knowing about it. I
agree with you that this is
risky. A phone conversation
might be best.
Dear Amy: Four years ago,
after 30 years of marriage,
my wife divorced me. We
get along but are living in
separate cities and only see
each other if there is an
event involving our adult
children. Neither of us has
remarried.
I never felt close to my
in-laws. My former motherin-
law is in her late 80s,
and as I anticipate her
death, I wonder if I should
attend her funeral. I would
rather not. Is it important
that I attend for the sake of
my children? — Divorced
Dad
Dear Dad: When this event
happens, you can express
your sympathy from a
distance.
Send questions via email to Amy
Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago
Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan
Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
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