Suicide survivor finds a new attitude, new life
By Omer Gillham
World Staff Writer
Deborah Hunter had her first suicidal impulse when she was 14 years old.
As she grew older, thoughts of suicide returned along with depression and despair until she finally attempted suicide — but survived.
Hunter, now a 58-year-old legal secretary, attempted suicide in about 1980. Looking back, she can see that her attempt centered around a divorce and lingering despair from childhood that left her hypercritical of herself as a person and as a mother.
“The suicide impulse hit me right here,” Hunter said, making a fist and moving it toward her stomach. “It feels like a punch or knot in the stomach.”
Across the nation, women are three times as likely as men to attempt suicide, but men are four times as likely to actually commit suicide, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
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| Hunter performs her poetry at the Living Arts celebration of the opening of their new building in downtown Tulsa. |
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As a recovering survivor, Hunter recognizes she had many of the warning signs of someone who was suicidal. In addition to depression and despair, she had moved to the second phase of suicide, which involved making a plan and being at peace with it.
“I was dying inside,” Hunter said. “I was happy with my suicide plan. I knew the emotional pain would end.”
Hunter’s emotional pain involved a critical inner voice and the fact that she felt inadequate as a mother and person, all the effects of an abusive childhood, she said. Despair over her divorce also brought fear and hopelessness.
Lanny Berman, executive director of the American Association of Suicidology, said while any verbal or written communication is more profound than other early warning signs, observing all warning signs is best.
“You have to pay attention to behavior,” Berman said.
Additionally, Berman said that people who have experienced suicide in the family are more likely to commit suicide themselves.
Many studies exist, but those who have had loved ones commit suicide are two to five times more likely to commit suicide than someone from a family where suicide doesn’t exist, he said.
Berman added: “Maybe 40 percent of those who have committed suicide have previously attempted suicide.”
Accompanying the warning signs can be symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder associated with traumatic events, such as serving in a war zone or experiencing an abusive or neglectful childhood, experts said.
While suicide is horrific and traumatic for families, there are identifiable warning signs, making it preventable and treatable in many cases, said Robert Gebbia, executive director of American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
“You’re thinking about killing your babies”
Hunter’s failed suicide attempt involved ingesting a whole box of sinus medication, hoping she would not wake up.
Signs of depression might include:
Warning signs of imminent risk
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Threatening or talking about wanting to hurt or kill self |
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Looking for ways to kill self by seeking access to medications, weapons, or other means |
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Talking or writing about death, dying, or suicide (when it is not typical behavior for the person) |
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Hopelessness |
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Rage, anger, seeking revenge |
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Engaging in high-risk behaviors |
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Feeling of being trapped |
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Increased substance use |
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Withdrawal and anxiety |
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Unable to sleep or sleeping all the time |
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Dramatic mood changes |
Verbal warning signs
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“I am going to kill myself.” |
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“I want to die.” |
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“There is no reason for me to live anymore.” |
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“You all would be better off if I were dead.” |
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“I don’t want to be a burden anymore.” |
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“I have had enough — I’m ending it all.” |
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“Don’t worry about me. I won’t be around much longer.” |
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Gives verbal hints such as “Nothing matters,” “It’s no use,” and “I won’t see you again.” |
Environmental factors
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“I took a whole box because I thought if I took enough of something that it would kill me,” Hunter said. “I did not have access to more lethal drugs.”
After failing at one suicide attempt, Hunter made the decision to try again but her plan was accidentally foiled by her ex-husband. She had planned to be alone by sending her children with her ex-husband, but he failed to pick them up.
“I found myself trying to think of ways to take my children with me,” Hunter said. “I tried to think of ways to kill my kids without pain. I suddenly had a clear thought that said ‘You’re thinking about killing your babies.’ That word, ‘killing,’ horrified me and I called for help.”
Hunter has three grown children.
2,711 suicides in five years
Between 2004 and 2008, there were 2,711 suicides across Oklahoma. That is more people than the individual populations of 476 towns in Oklahoma, which has 598 towns and cities, according to U.S. Census data. Suicides out number homicides 2-to-1 in Oklahoma and across the nation, records show.
Decreasing the number of suicides involves early detection of the warning signs and an informed response, said Stacie Barnett, program director of COPES — Community Outreach Psychiatric Emergency Services with Family and Children Services in Tulsa.
COPES is a team of clinicians available around the clock and seven days a week who specialize in responding to psychiatric emergencies within the community. The program serves the entire age range in Tulsa County, and there are no fees for the service.
In a given year, COPES workers respond to about 6,000 calls for help or information, Barnett said.
About 40 percent of the calls are suicide related. Of the responses in the community, COPES stabilizes almost 65 percent of the people they assess, Barnett said.
“That means that we can keep them at home and out of the hospital and maybe out of jail in some cases,” she said.
If the person cannot be stabilized at home, COPES will recommend a higher level of care such as inpatient hospitalization at a psychiatric facility.
In addition to COPES, Tulsa has many agencies and individuals working to prevent suicides and to improve mental health. There is also a suicide survivor support group and a support group for families affected by suicide.
Becky Kruse, of Tulsa, said the support group for families has offered her identification and hope. Kruse lost her 22-year-old son, Adam, to suicide July 25, 2007. Adam was her youngest child and a college student who shot himself. Kruse has two other children.
“When people find out that you have had a suicide in your family, they don’t know how to talk to you,” said Kruse, 53, an occupational therapy assistant. “The support group is different. We talk. We cry and we care for one another.”
Kruse said the group helps her address the effects of suicide, which includes the disturbing fact that says her family now has an increased chance of experiencing suicide again due to a suicide in the family.
“When I heard that statistic, I was terrified because I still have two children,” Kruse said. “But I believe that what we are doing with the support group and with raising awareness can change that statistic. We are going to honor the memory of our son, and we are going to make it as a family.”
The road from suicide has peaks and valleys
Hunter’s recovery has had peaks and valleys during a 29-year period. She had an emotional breakdown in 2004, and suicidal impulses returned for a time.
During this time she was involved with committee work for the Mental Health Association in Tulsa. The work helped pull her through, she said.
Hunter is part of the solution in helping prevent suicides in the Tulsa area. She has spoken at suicide prevention seminars and talks to medical students about mental health issues. In 2006, she joined the Mental Health Association board.
Additionally, Hunter writes poetry and shares her work at readings around Tulsa.
“The main thing that people need to know is that there is hope,” Hunter said. “The pain and fear can end without you having to kill yourself.”
Religion’s thoughts on suicide
We asked area religious leaders from the major faiths to discuss suicide. Here’s what they had to say:
Chris Tiger, senior pastor, First United Methodist Church of Owasso: “I believe that the person’s soul is safe. Sometimes people say suicide is an unforgiveable sin, but I don’t believe that. God is merciful and can forgive this sin, as well.”
Bishop Edward Slattery of the Catholic Diocese of Tulsa: Slattery said that suicide is a sin, but that families can count on the mercy of God when psychiatric issues are involved.
“We generally find out about suicide after the fact and it’s too late and when that happens we move quickly into the posture of God himself, which is mercy, and we presume that something happened that caused the person to lose the ability to make a rational decision,” Slattery said. “Depression can be a chemical imbalance. Only God who is merciful can know what was in the person’s mind. And for that reason, we allow people to have a funeral mass for those committing suicide under these circumstances.”
Rabbi Charles Sherman, Temple Israel: “In Judaism, suicide is forbidden. The taking of a life is a sin. Although forbidden, suicide is only punishable if the act was intentionally committed by a person judged to be legally competent. You must have intention and competence for the penalty to apply. The penalty in traditional Judaism is that you cannot bury the deceased person within the main grounds of the cemetery and there are no mourning rights.
“But most orthodox Rabbis today would look at mental competence being compromised by alcoholism, drugs, depression and other conditions. These people don’t have competence or intention. We would accord them a full funeral.’’
Imam Mohamed ElGhobashy, Islamic Society of Tulsa: “Suicide in Islam is forbidden because it is forbidden to kill yourself or another person. There is no exception for that in Islam. Mercy killing is not acceptable either. There is nothing in Islam called mercy killing.
“On the issue of suicide bombers, the scholars of Islam have differing opinions and some say it is forbidden but some say it is permissible because you are defending yourself, your country and land. For some, it is an acceptable method of fighting.”
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