This time, we predict what they're saying behind the scenes.

Arizona coach Mike Stoops: Hello, Bekins?

Florida State's Bobby Bowden: When's our first game?

Lou Holtz of TV fame: Sufferin' succotash.

Lloyd Carr, still of Michigan: How does this wig look?

ESPN's Mark May: If it's the first time I'm saying it, how can it be second-guessing?

ESPN's Lee Corso: OK men, let's go to work. Where are we?

ESPN's Neil Everett: You don't think loud nerds like sports, too? OSU play-by-play announcer: Water pistols firing.

OU play-by-play announcer: Is this thing on?

Boone Pickens, global: Everybody in Stillwater is on the clock.

ESPN's Chris Fowler: Who's wishy-washy, I just happen to like every team the same amount.

NFL announcer Phil Simms: Somebody call a doctor, I can't stop talking nonstop about nothing in this shrill monotone of mine.

Texas coach Mack Brown: Where has all the air gone?

ESPN's Chris Berman: I miss the '60s.

OU's Dean Blevins: I'm going to lead the 10 o'clock sports with the sixth-grader leaning to the Sooners.

ESPN's Stuart Scott: The ones I kiss up to love me, that's all that matters.

Joe Paterno, the coach: Come on, come on, let's go, on the double, get Franco Harris in there.

The Picks

SATURDAY

Miami at OU (-10-1/2): The Miami players probably see more people in South Beach clubs than at the Orange Julius Bowl.

OU is playing the Boise chip beautifully -- it took the chip off its shoulder and is using it for high-stakes motivation.

After Denton Teacher's College, Miami will resemble an Olympic relay team.

Why aren't there any quarterbacks in the state of Florida?

The three quarterbacks at the top Florida universities look like they belong in front of the center, not behind him.

Miami has a wicked defense, nice tailbacks, not much tossing.

OU's toughest game at Lubbock, famous for its expensive home cooking?

OU by 14.

Florida Atlantic at OSU (22-1/2): The sound you hear is T. Boone Pickens' toe tapping firmly in the vault.

Hey everybody, it's time for a toast, here comes coach Howard.

His wife might wait in the limo for this one.

OSU could be on a collision course with the Independence Bowl.

Talk, talk, talk, enough already, somebody make a play.

Note to play-by-play announcer: Stop that.

OSU by 24.

Nebraska (-7) at Wake Forest: In the north, might rank Nebraska, Kansas, Colorado, K-State, all over Missouri.

Somebody get Callahan a $4 recorder so he can stop making notes and watch the game.

Wake starting to look like it's in one again.

Nebraska by 10.

Missouri (-6) at Mississippi: Must wonder if Pinkel could coach our dog to accept a T-bone, medium-rare.

Missouri by 4.

Oregon at Michigan (-6-1/2): Some think Carr belongs in a Big House, all right -- one with bars.

Michigan by 7.

South Carolina at Georgia (-5-1/2): The older ball coach should learn exactly what not to do from O-State film.

Georgia by 1.

Notre Dame at Penn State (-16-1/2): Brady Quinn's stock just went through clouds -- if he could win at Notre Dame, he could be first team All-Pro.

JoePa puts on house shoes at the half, Penn State by 14.

BYU at UCLA (-9): LA to Tulsa, that should lull BYU completely to sleep.

UCLA by 7.

TCU at Texas (-9-1/2): Would rank Mack the second best coach on this field.

Tex by 8.

Virginia Tech at LSU (-12-1/2): What does the SEC have against quarterbacks?

Locals hope Les Miles doesn't become More Miles with move to Michigan.

LSU by 14.

Pros

THURSDAY

New Orleans at Indianapolis (-6): Manning had more commercials than completions in the preseason.

Indy by 4.

SUNDAY

KC at Houston (-3): Over-under for this one is 50.

Total yards, not points.

KC by 2.

Bears at San Diego (-6): Chargers collect great players and terrible coaches.

San Diego by 13.

Giants at Dallas (-6): Moving this guy in for Parcells is like replacing John Wayne with Barney Fife.

Roy Williams bats down a pass with the back of his helmet.

Dallas by 7.

MONDAY

Baltimore at Cincy (-2-1/2): No get-even game here.

Lay off the pizza, it's the first of two, a Monday night doubleheader!

Ten points, total, could win fairly handily.

Cincy by 4.

Arizona at San Francisco (-3): Arizona is supposed to be much improved. This is a recording.

Everybody is late to work Tuesday.

SF by 6.

High school

Bonus Jenks-Union pick: If the PA announcer said that a white Lexus was in the parking lot with its lights on, how many people would go look, over or under 1,000?

Jenks by 8.